It's been 12 weeks since I actually knew what week I was on.
It's also been 9 months since the beginning.
sitting in front of this screen trying
to figure out where to start with this one

these past three months
I've been easily
sidetracked.

didn't lose sight
of where I'm going
but allowing
the direction I'm heading
a few detours
never a setback.

I have
painted
created
drank too much
but I haven't smoked a cigarette in 4 months

still doing yoga nearly daily (and challenges no less - even surprised myself with a double today, on Christmas)
I'm proud of my
self
but in truth
I still catch thoughts of doubt
thoughts of regret
thoughts of fear
behind my eyes
but I let them go

drawn in by
definitions
manuals
tattoos
sparks
wit
stupid shit
songwriters
writing in ink
spilled paints

misguided words
hurt feelings
Music on, I catch some lyrics that make my eyes well up
the thoughts drift
try to decipher what he means
what's the story.
Who really knows from just a few sentences
creation of a flawless other
expectations
wants
desires
no way to really know
just because I feel it
doesn't mean it's real
that's what they say.

too scared to ask
for fear of what I might hear
then that would be real
and the excitement is often in the anticipation
in the wondering
in the worry
it holds me hostage
and sets me free all the same

no sense
all sense

It's a fantasy
of the mind

Where does one start with this mess
It's what generally happens when I don't keep up.

Do I really want a tidy box for me to fit in?
Would there be more happiness there
than I can create within
the piles
grow higher
more unruly
move from one corner
treasures undercover
to another
hidden
space

in a few days
it will have been a year
and the change has not extended
beyond my
self.
stacking
piles on piles
a brief moment
of clarity
only to be spoiled in minutes
with the next mess

Calm in chaos
always felt safer here
clear
alone with just these words

I am grateful.
for it all.
every moment.
I mean it.

Happy Birthday Baby Jesus.

This month I'm grateful for: Blackouts, fancy dinners, cheap wine, the pick-up line that made me blush, new curtains, sea bass, new Facebook timelines (sorry, had to do it), really amazing food, my juicer, making friends with coworkers through kickball, sequined tank tops, gluten free margaritas:), endless possibilities, high school friends, yoga bruises…. and I'm grateful that every day I Fear Less.

This week I am grateful for yoga, yoga, yoga, traveling to see family - aunts, uncles, cousins, swimming, gluten free with ease, getting stranded at the sandbar, concerts of favorite bands, hanging out with friends and meeting new people, goldfish racing & Jeff Bridges.

Wow, it's been a whole month. Done a whole lot but I had to go back through my photos to piece it together. Got to go out to Michigan to a family reunion for my grandpa's 90th birthday. We had a lake house where I spent most of my time swimming and riding around on a pontoon boat and hanging out with all the fam. It was pretty awesome, although I did kinda drink a ton while I was there when at home that's not the case… hahha, it was vacation. It's fun to see what everyone is doing now and the mental image I have of all of us cousins when we were kids can now be added to with new memories. I wish we could do that every year.

My friend Steve Brown called me up the night before I flew home to tell me that The Slackers were playing at The Casbah the next evening and that I should come. He's super awesome and bought me a ticket - and after a day on a plane it felt good to dance it out to one of my favorite bands. Super sweaty and awesome.

The next weekend I glutened myself. Sucks. I still, due to habits of normalcy, order foods without thinking of gluten. Simple things I used to eat. I decided to splurge for the candied walnut shrimp from city wok and I paid for it. I ate a couple bites and then realized it was breaded and fried. I said to my co-worker, "Well, I could throw it away now and probably not get sick, or I could do an experiment = eat it and see what happens". Not the best idea I'd ever had. About 5 hours later I was curled up in a ball crying because it felt like I was being stabbed, or like there was glass in my stomach, or like someone was going at my intestines with a wrench, whichever gets the point across to you. I took a bit of medicine late at night so I could sleep and Saturday I felt ok, but not great… and then Sunday hit and it was back. About as bad as Friday, and this time I let it ride and it lasted almost through Tuesday. Worst sickness I can remember in a long long time. I'm not sure if I reacted so strongly because I hadn't eaten it at all in about a month? I've heard a lot of people say that happened to them, and then after a couple years they could have small amounts and not get sick. I just can't believe it lasted so long and was so painful. I do not want to do that again. Insane.

This week was filled with lots of fun distractions to keep me from falling back into old habits. These old habits only serve me now as a reminder of how strong I really am. I am not afraid of making mistakes, although they can be really scary in that moment. But I always find a way to get to that next place in a positive light, away from the smoke that burns my eyes and lungs. Those old habits that make you want to run back to them. The kind that have been there for me for 1/2 my life, or longer depending. I'm addicted to the way those old habits make me feel, but it's all in my head & I can find something new to make me feel that way, something healthy.

Yoga is good for this, 1 hour all mine, intense and hard and producing results. It is all about me surrendering my thoughts in order to really focus. 5 days in a row this week of that was amazing. Plus each day ended with some sort of event, kickball, + goldfish racing or music. Sublime will forever be a top 5 favorite, if not #1 for the simple fact of opening up so much music to me in my teens - thankful I got to see them Friday with Holli, and my new soundtrack for a sore heart is Jeff Bridges. Surrendering to these social distractions is the new key to success.

This week I am grateful for gluten free beer, elephants in the morning, baseball games, pooping candy toys, opening parties & seeing my artwork on a friend's wall.

I did a lot of doing this week. Early in the week I stopped at Borders for the South Beach Super Quick Cookbook that Christopher showed me & got caught up looking at gluten free books. Reading a lot of the same things I've read in the past two years about Celiac, but one statement from a Celiac caught my attention. She described her symptoms as "having glass in your stomach". I was kind of scared because I knew that feeling, but I could never use descriptive words to accurately describe it. It is a weird, horrible pain. I began connecting a lot of dots right there sitting on the floor reading.

I stopped drinking beer around 2003. Near the end of college. I grew to dislike the taste and despise the smell after a few short years of "legal drinking"… I haven't so much as had a sip in the past 8 years. It made me sick, without fail a few hours after I drank it. Even one beer would wake me up at 5am. It was the worst so I just stopped drinking it, not knowing that there were all kinds of other foods making me sick.

In the past few years my Aunt has tested positive for Celiac Disease and both my mom & sister switched to a gluten free diet and feel much better. I think my Uncles may have it as well but I forgot to ask my mom for sure. There are many levels of sensitivity to gluten, and so many symptoms that easily disguise themselves in another cause. When you live with something for so long, you just believe that is how you are. You don't think there's something you are doing that can change and improve how you feel, because you've never felt better. It's complicated - you might not want to read any further below this (graphic & I'm not sure you want to read all about me… but it's truth so proceed at your own peril.)

Since starting #operationfitness 17 weeks ago, I've learned to pay attention to what makes me feel good and what makes me feel bad. I've changed my diet so much in the past few weeks & it definitely feels awesome. In the past 8 years I have slowly, unconsciously eaten less gluten. The debilitating physical sickness & symptoms I suffered throughout my entire life have become less frequent. I was at my worst in college - I mean what do you eat in college? Things that are quick and easy and sold at campus cafes, stores and restaurants - sandwiches, pizza, beer, muffins, croissants… gluten everywhere. Monthly and often weekly I'd have terrible diarrhea - I still, to this day make sure to I have Immodium AD with me, EVERYWHERE. I just used to never know. I haven't had to use it in a long time, but it's something I've conditioned myself to bring. Like a diabetic with sweets in case they go into low blood sugar.

The doctor didn't know what was wrong with me, they thought I had IBS or Crohn's Disease. I didn't know either, I just continued to live like that because it was how it was. I just dealt with it. Afraid to go camping, on a roadtrip, out with friends…. I always thought it was just part of my cycle because it usually flared up around my period. I associated the two together. Now I realize it was because that was when I ate the worst. Cookies, cake, greasy fried food… terrible cramps and heavy periods, which is actually a symptom. I went on birth control to try to ease pain and bleeding, but it didn't change my eating habits.

In the past 5 years I have had the occasional flare up but I haven't been able to link it to any one thing until now. It just makes sense as it runs in the family and that I feel so much better now. The foods I have been eating are mostly gluten free and I decide here & now to consciously eliminate gluten from my diet entirely. No more Raisin Bran, Cherrios, sandwiches, blueberry pancakes, fish & chips, chocolate chip cookies, birthday cake, cupcakes, pie, soy sauce, banana nut muffins, california burritos, pizza, BLT's, brownies, ice cream cones, blue cheese, salad dressing, hamburgers, hot dogs & buns, breaded chicken, ribs drenched in BBQ sauce, eggs benedict, bruschetta, mac+cheese or pasta - at least the conventional kind. I will mourn my loss, deeply - because if you know me, you know how much I love cookies & cake… BUT I am glad to live now.

I had my first Gluten Free beer this past Thursday at the ball park of all places. It was pretty good, actually - but kind of weird considering how much I've learned to associate such bad things with it. It's going to be interesting, but I'm excited to do this because of the challenge and because I know I can only feel better - it will truly be a test of willpower, but I kind of need that. I can't just run out to the store anymore for a cookie craving, but I can make them. There has never before been so much awareness, resources and support for Celiacs. Gluten Free labels, flours, cookbooks, videos, books, & friends & family I can eat with and learn with - there are also quite a few restaurants with gluten free menus here waiting for me to try them out.

There is & always will be someone who will say "it's all in your mind" or that if you are going to ask the chef to change their menu, you shouldn't go out to eat. To that I say, "Yeah, well, that's just, like, your opinion… man"

Today was a better day. It's week 15 and I'm officially down 25 pounds. I didn't post last weekend as it was full of garage sales, happenings & I felt stuck. I was expecting so much and I was holding on to what I thought I should accomplish, that my body was holding on to my weight. Stuck for nearly a month going up and down, no progress, yet still going to 3 or 4 or even 5 yoga classes a week & pilates, and then this week I only went to 3 and I've made progress. I had to go easier on myself.

My favorite teacher is Melissa. I can't miss her classes. Her intention this past month has been on the word "detaching". I think it's in sanskrit when she says vairaja, but I have no idea how that is spelled. She told us of her experience this past week which is pretty parallel to how I've felt… but when she was finally able to detach from how she thought things were supposed to be happening she was able to breakthrough and make progress.

There's so many layers to go through, analyze and then detach from. I tend to hold onto things, everything. It's been good to be able to detach - stuff, feelings, weight, other people's actions or non-action. Got rid of so much crap & I'm still finding things that have been stuck up high in a cabinet, or under layers of dirty laundry that I don't need. If it's been under there for so long, why the hell do I have it? Emotions are much harder to detach from.

6 months into this year & I know I have made positive changes that I will carry through. As each day passes I know I can choose to make the best of the one that follows. I truly believe you can re-write your life. That doesn't mean you forget about the past, it means you can change almost everything about yourself if you begin to appreciate and detach from those things that you cannot change. You can change your mind, you can change your body, you can change the way you think, clothes, habits, car, job, house, nailpolish… but, you cannot change your family and you cannot change your past. I am proud of myself, I am strong, and I believe you are just as capable as I am. You are worth it.

It might be uncomfortable to work through all those layers, but lean into the discomfort.

detach.

I CAN. I AM. I WILL.

This week I am grateful for: visible proof, ustrasana, friends who encourage you go to back to back hot yoga classes, hair dye, and words with friends.

Started out the week with back to back hot yoga followed by a C2 class. The hardest part was my mind telling me I couldn't do it, when I knew I actually could. Made up excuses to keep me from… I don't know… failure, success, what is it that I fear about 2 hot classes? An extra challenge I need to embrace. I'd never taken a C2 class before so I felt lost through most of it, not to mention the class was absolutely packed! I definitely feel uncomfortable & easily distracted by comparisons to others when I don't know how to do something - the first step towards knowing is always the hardest. I did some of the poses but for most of the time I laid on my back through the heat with my towel over my face masking me from showing the fears and hiding the tears that were coming up.

I've read about people getting emotional in some poses and I had only one other time felt a strong emotional reaction just short of crying, but this one was actual tears. Camel pose had always been a pose I couldn't do, and one that commonly caused dizziness. Ustrasana - a backbend, a heart opener - we spend our life bending forward & it's really hard to trust that you're not going to hurt yourself getting into that position. In Hot Power Fusion and Hot Yoga it comes pretty close to the end of the series, but in C2 it was in the first third of class if I remember correctly. Each time you do a pose twice in a row your muscles create a much better memory & are often able to go much further, by the second class I was much more limber. Even after a month+ I still wasn't going any further back than staring up at the ceiling, but this class I actually looked all the way back to the far wall. It was definitely scary, but amazing. That pose took something inside me and let it go. The tears flowed and I had to just go with it.

The mind is a very powerful tool, it also keeps you from doing a lot of things. I have to continue to push myself and tell myself that if I want to do something, I can totally do it. Sometimes you're just fine, but your mind tells you that you can't do it.

I took 5 classes in 4 days this week, by Thursday I did a full Ustrasana - standing on my knees, shining my heart to the ceiling, upside down concentration on the back wall & hands to heals. Consciously thinking: I can. I am. I will.

This week I am grateful for: three day weekends, fish, events that make me get out of the house, crazy colored flowers, cider, gluten free friends, my new vacuum & "menstrual power".

I spent a lot of time out of my house this week. Chef Celebration Food & Beer Festival, Collaboration Kitchen,Work, Yoga, Work, Gold Medallion Awards, Vet, Work, Yoga, Work, Yoga, Art Show & Dinner with friends, Yoga, Lunch w/ Mom, Vacuum shopping, Birthday Party, Pilates, & Dinner with Holly.

My friend Holly asked me last night who I hung out with & I realized how this is really the first week in a while where I wasn't just enjoying my still shiny & new routine on my own. This week was definitely a great reminder how getting out is awesome (although by Friday I was exhausted by all the talking to people I had done throughout the week & was ready to chill out at home). I ate out too much this week, and didn't control myself with temptations around me --- bad KELLY!!!

Things I need to work on for next week: Limits, Will Power, Completing Tasks.

Ready for an amazing next week, getting set up in the new room & excited to actually have places for things. Anything without a place will be moving to a new home so get ready for a garage sale in 2 weeks! Who wants part of my history?